Sometimes I wonder who is running my life? I like to think that I am living according to Gods plans and purpose for me. But often find myself being led down a path where I have no desire to go listening to the opinion and thoughts of people more than God then find myself doing the things they have suggested. I think the phrase is people pleasing.

God speaks clearly in the Bible about not pleasing people but by living according His ways
“the fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Proverbs 29:25

So how do we extract ourselves from this destructive habit? I think it’s great when we have a light bulb moment so we are able to recognise what is happening. What I have noticed is that when I don’t have a clear sense of who I am or where my focus is heading then at very moment I am vulnerable to the misleading of well-intentioned people popping ideas into my head. My husband often points out to me that people will always want us be like them and try and steer our lives to look similar which makes sense when you sit back in observation.

Knowing who we are and being secure in our relationship with God is a good foundation to have in place when trying to break the people pleasing habit. Over the years I have been on holidays I didn’t wish to go on, accepted jobs in the past I didn’t want to do and then shared houses with people I didn’t even like all in the name of people pleasing. I can smile as I look back but at the time it caused a lot of chaos and pain.

This is where devoting myself to following God and his calling on my life has been the best thing I have ever done. Through learning about my true identity and destiny in God I realised that I am made in his design and therefore he knows the best paths for to take and who with so really I need to take more notice of what he says and where he leads rather than people who may assume to know me. But really who can know our innermost being apart from our creator?

“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”
Psalm 139:13 – 16

So the tools I use to arrest any people pleasing habit that rears its head have been to be confident and secure in who I am as a woman, be sure of where I am heading so living by vision rather than circumstance and letting God influence me more than people and to have the courage to say “No” trusting my own intuition and Gods leading in my life.

Like any other addiction/ habit we must look underneath the why we develop certain behaviours and work on bringing healing to those places inside us along with practising sobriety from the habit we are trying to break.

One challenge I face in life is being distracted or allowing distractions to influence my path. So I have been pondering how to help myself in this area. Sadly it has taken me getting to the point of being so frustrated and anxious that I really have to do something now. Every week demands get more not less so we have to find a way though. I am sure I am not the only one facing this.

Having thought and looked from different angles as to whether it is people, places or situations that cause me to get so distracted I end up achieving nothing some weeks. I have come to the conclusion that it is actually myself at the root of the problem. So even that is hard to hear it actually means I can do something about it.

Firstly it is important to say that I am not feeling down on myself and neither should you. I recognise I get distracted due to having a big heart of compassion and kindness. God flows through this gift to bring his kingdom but I do not think it is his plan that we are destroyed through the gift it is supposed to be a blessing. I also have another mixed blessing in my personality, I am highly spontaneous and I have to work on guarding that side of my nature. The positive side of spontaneity is that I can be very creative and open to functioning out of the box.

Avoiding the distraction pit requires a few boundaries and self-respect of those boundaries to be put in place. It is important to recognise that we are not responsible for other people’s actions, words or lives. Being in ministry can be a mixed bag sometimes as we often feel the pain of others and want to help. Actually it is the one in need who can help them and it is up to God to grow the seed of faith planted in someone. As leaders we may carry a sense of over responsibility toward others that can cause us to be distracted. It is vital we reflect regularly on the fact that it is Gods mission, Gods ministry and His Church so He is responsible we just get to witness some amazing Kingdom things happening sometimes.

Time boundaries are the main thing to work on and then implementing them. For example I like to write, study and think in the mornings so no point having appointments to see people first thing. The reality is though I always have appointments in the morning as it is always more convenient for the other person. I seem to believe when we are in ministry it is always people’s needs above mine which of course is a false economy as when I meet them I am exhausted before I have begun as am functioning outside my preferred rhythm.

So planning time and listening to our energy zone is vital. I know this is not always possible but even Jesus managed his time wisely by getting up early to go and pray or knowing when he needed space and heading to the other shore even though the people were wanting to see him.

The second area to work on could be living by vision rather than “I ought to.” Each year I tend to sketch out a plan for what God maybe calling me to do this year and then also some things I have a desire to do and not all spiritual things either. Once I have the focus for the year then I have a target to hit. The how to get there can be flexible but the vision should direct how I use my time, friendships, who I spend time with, places I travel to, what I read and so on. I have done it the other way of letting the year unfold but as I can get distracted so easily I get to the end of that year look back and think I have just lived everybody else’s vision. A clear sense of direction is vital for purposeful living, leading others and our own self-esteem.

So to ease frustration and anxiety I am going to deal with the root of being distracted, myself and bring discipline to the area of time, boundaries and vision. If you can sit down and have a think, your areas of distraction may be different and you may need to pay attention to different areas in your life.

A great couple of questions to ask to kick off this process are :-

Am I investing in what God has called me to do this year?

What changes do I need to make to determine the course of this season?

I would be really interested to hear from you on how you handle this challenging problem that many of us are facing. So email me any tips and pointers that I can share with others.

Caring for others is at the heart of the New Testament teachings of Jesus. If we read the life story of Jesus he was always interacting and caring for others. In the book of John we see him “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” John 13:34-35. To care could mean to notice someone or a cause that needs attention, exploring how to engage and then doing it; love has a voice and is active.

The ability to care is a gift or an art that is developed often through life’s losses or painful situations that we have wrestled with. As we have experiences in life we can engage with others who pass through what one of the Beatles song refers to as “the long and winding road” that leads into eternity. What matters on this road that we all travel is not what we achieve or gain but rather how many people’s lives we touch with kindness as we offer the gift we are holding; the ability to care.

I was once asked by someone who was probing me about the reasons for addiction in a person’s life “what is it you want more of?” If we can answer that question then we may have identified the root of our addictive tendencies. As I wrestled for truth in my heart to answer the question I found myself replying, “to be loved.”

To be loved is a natural inbuilt desire and basic human need. So the art of caring and the need to be loved are a match one meets the other and brings healing to the soul. This is the ministry that Jesus was modelling for us as he walked the earth as we read his story he demonstrated love by caring. What I have learned over many years of leading a mercy ministry that reaches out and touches lives is this. As we care for others we are ourselves find healing and meaning in this life.

If we really desire to walk and follow Jesus then we can begin to care deeply for others as he did. We must remember that to be authentic love must have a voice and be active, which is so much more than a feeling.

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:4

Whilst cycling around this summer I came across this signpost and was reminded how easy it is for us to loose direction, and I began to think how we regroup when we have lost our way. Having been lost at several points in life below are a few thoughts on regaining direction.

Sometimes we can loose a sense of direction in life. This can come through a sudden change or it can slowly creep upon us over a period of time where we wake up one day and realise our sign post has been bent out of shape and we are not sure where we are going or supposed to be heading. Loosing direction can cause us to feel like we have messed up and we may think that there is no way ahead which can be a daunting experience.

The Bible has some great accounts of people who got lost, Joseph being one of many but despite being lost and not sure why or what was happening, God had a plan and a purpose all along. We can be inspired by his story. Whatever has caused our direction to become unclear is not a big issue to God. Jesus revealed his role when we are in a lost situation or season in John 14:6 speaking about himself being “the way, truth and the life”. If this is the case then it is important to walk closely to Jesus when all direction is lost and follow him and he will lead us onto the path. Maybe we only become aware of the path he has led us on when we look back as to where we have walked next to Christ.

If we have truly lost our way we draw close to God and seek him, it is the promise of God that he will be there “When you seek me you will find me. When you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13. God is the source of all life and all things in life, then when we find him direction will unfold and be clear. The true direction of our lives is that we are heading to God and the how and what we do along the way toward that goal is for Jesus to lead each of us out of a friendship with himself. As he led the disciples all those years ago it is Jesus who still makes a way today.

God is creative and he can make rivers in a desert. So where we count all direction is lost and impossible to regain God can step in and make way where there seems no way. “Behold I will do a new thing. Now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Isaiah 43:19. Our redirection is just a moment away from each one of us as we go to seek God with all our hearts – a true pilgrimage that we do with Jesus who leads us day to day. 

 

 One of the most powerful lessons I ever had in forgiveness was from when we did night outreach into the red light district in Suffolk UK in 2005. I had promised to take a woman we had become friends with to visit her parent’s graves. They had both been addicts and died when she was young. Yep you have already guessed what happened next – I forgot!

Thinking she would never speak to me again or at least verbally kick off at me I was shocked when she came over and just said ” we are ok you and I.  I was upset but its all ok between us now I just need you to know that”. Right there and then I received forgiveness. That was all before I had the chance to say sorry!

The fact that she had forgiven me was unbelievable but could I now dig deep enough to forgive myself as well?

The fact that we are human beings having soul – free will, desires and emotions can sometimes keep us locked in a prison of unforgiveness. The consequences can lend itself either to others or ourselves, meaning we and others can miss out on moving forward and living in the provision of freedom for our hearts and minds that God has granted.

We are created to carry the presence and nature of God therefore able to act externally and internally making quality choices as Christ did when He encountered conflict and disappointment. I always take great comfort knowing that Jesus experienced many malicious acts against Him and came out the other side. What I notice through reading the gospel stories is: rejection, beatings, false accusation to name a few and that the response of Jesus was from the lens of carrying the presence of God.

Gods nature can be found in Galatians 5: 22-26 often referred to as the fruit of his spirit, it enables us live as true representatives of Gods kingdom. Without having an active friendship with God through the work of Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit we will not be able to display the fruit of His Spirit. So there is a challenge straight away for us to keep developing and investing time into our friendship with God to walk in His ways.

God would like us to walk daily in practicing the art of forgiveness. Firstly so we can be free and feel good each day rid of the anger and bitterness that often takes root and shows up in our actions and secondly that others can experience the love of God through us.

In Matthew 6:12 -15 part of the way through Jesus said to pray, ” forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who hurt us”, sometimes it can be difficult to as God for this knowing that we hold grudges/ pain/ wounds of offense in our hearts and minds. Unforgiveness can produce toxic emotions in us causing pain and discomfort to us and those around us.

In Mathew 18:21- 35 we find the story of the unforgiving slave how many times to forgive we are told 70 x 7 meaning lots in this passage and from the heart meaning there is emotion attached to forgiving whether it be tears, relief or a sense of closure.  As a forgiver or the forgiven either way it will have an emotion and impact that comes with it.  Unforgiveness has emotions attached to it as in obsession with recounting events or pain on seeing the person or feeling anger then experience it turning to bitterness which can be so destructive. So it would be fair to say that forgiveness from the heart has emotions too.

There tends to be two ways to walk in forgiveness: – 

        1. A catalyst quick work, breakthrough comes

         2. Process, bumps us forward by daily walking with Jesus

In part two we will unpack these ways a little deeper. But just say a prayer with me now to Jesus if you have been challenged to give or receive forgiveness. First we must accept the forgiveness of God in our lives and know the relief it brings to us.

Lord Jesus. I ask you to come and heal my life where I have kept bitterness as a trophy I hand that to you today. I ask you to forgive me for such actions……. I thank you that you died to heal my life. I accept your work of forgiveness and receive it as a truth in my mind and heart today. Knowing that as far from the east to the west is how much you have wiped away my sins and no longer remember them. Help me now to forgive myself and be a blessing to those around me.

In Jesus name I pray. AMEN

I want us to focus on the power of living from a base of gratitude and how this can break self-obsessed thinking and feeling habits. In the Scriptures we read that God recommends living from an attitude of positivity toward Himself, life and others.

Hebrews 12:28-29 “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be grateful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.”
Colossians 3:16 “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”

Our custom can sometimes be to focus on what we don’t have (the negative) this cane develope an unhealthy habit where as individuals we can become increasingly inward looking to the point of self-obsession. We focus down on our past, try and understand it and then see how this relates to the problems we face today and promoted to try and live in this backdrop. Sometimes this can be a helpful process however it can also create an eternal prison and remain behind the bars of the past.

Scripture implies that when we know the truth it will set us free John 8:32. Freedom was brought at a very high cost to Jesus who gave up everything to secure our freedom from the chains of captivity Isaiah 61. He also placed some helpful God shaped ways to think and act that would help us in this life. I want to focus on the power of living from a base of gratitude and how this can break the self-obsessed mind.

The mind is a powerful organ that functions by what we input into it. If we input new data (learning or habits) into the mind we can create new thinking patterns and this causes fresh behaviour reactions to develop. Yes, I have been reading deeply on how humans function and why we do certain things.

Gratitude comes by increasing our awareness of what is happening around us each day. To develop this art I have been keeping a gratitude dairy each day. Before I go to bed I quietly sit and make a note of what I am grateful for. Here are some examples:

Laughing with friends, a kind husband, nice home, work for a great charity, people to pray with, a loving family, food, understanding friends, being part of an amazing Church, creative ability, great ministry team around to help, friends in other countries, watching films with friends, quiet days to write, fitness, hanging out with people who have vision for life, people who believe in me and knowing a loving God who loves me.

Out of the art of practicing gratitude the heart can soften towards God, others and in deed self. We may find that by focusing of the vastness of what a great big life we have on the side we become easier to be around, quicker to be in the presence of God. Jesus spoke about giving thanks to God for everything we have for a reason.
So I challenge you to start your own diary and see what is happening in your life now and let the past relax its influence in who you are today.